A late beginning... yet an early start...

Nepali.. Not Nepali??

2011-12-09T08:19:00.000-08:00

I was flying to Delhi once, in 2008, I think. During the emigration checking, the security person said “Madam, bag kholiye zara” (Open you bag). I opened my bag. All was well, except for some medicine that I had that he was suspicious about. After convincing himself it was not some sort of addictive drug, he asked for my passport. And when he looked at it, he said, “Oho, didi ta Nepali po hunu hundo rahecha. Dekhdaina hai didi”. (Ohh, sister you are a Nepali, you don’t look like it!). I said... “Yeah, I know”.

During the Delhi immigration checking, the guy stared at my passport for a while, looked at me, looked back at the passport, again , as expected, gazed at me and said, “ohh, to aap Nepal se hi hain? Lagti nahi hai bilkul bhi, kya bas Nepali passport hai, ya udhar hi settled hain” (Ohh, so are you really from Nepal? You don’t look like it. Do you just have a Nepali passport or you have always lived there?) All I said was, “Yeah, I know, I am settled there”.

Now these incidents are not at all rare. Every time I introduce myself as a Nepali to some Indian, I get to hear, “You don’t look like it” and every time I introduce myself to someone who’s not an Indian, it is an assumption on their part that I am an Indian unless I clearly specify that I am from Nepal, yeah, that country where there is Everest. No contribution of mine as such, but an easy introduction.

But sometimes I get lazy, to take the effort and explain that I am in fact a Nepali and not an Indian. There can be two scenarios though. There are some strangers who would, for some reason, want to know where I am from. They ask me confidently “You are from India, right”. Take it as my politeness that I don’t want to negate their wisely made assumption regarding where I belong OR my laziness, I just tend to give a smile and say “Yes”. And when some go a bit further, “where exactly from India?” For some reason, I say “Delhi”. It’s convenient, I suppose.

And the other scenario is simply the fact that I don’t want to let someone know where I am actually from. Now this is because of some childhood lessons given by my Dad which hit me at times “If some stranger gives you something, don’t eat it. Do not tell him where you are from, and do not tell him your name”. Yes, I do lie about my name as well, not cause I am a liar, but because of the childhood lessons. And for some reason, the name is Neha.

Honestly, I don't mind any part of it. It's fun to be confusing. I know this will go on. I know I will be asked this question a number of times more. All I need to do is make sure I don't get influenced by it and start thinking in Hindi!

impatience

2011-08-31T11:25:00.001-07:00

kasto impatience ho yo...

blog ma euta poora sentence lekhne ni patience chaina
favourite novel ko euta page padhne patience chaina
patience chaina aaja bholi khana enjoy garera khane, walk ma jaane
tracy chapman ko man pardo ganna sunne samma pani patience chaina
bihana bhaye raati parkhine, raati bhaye bihani parkhine
time bitdai cha bhanera ho ki, time nai bitena bhanera ho, impatience cha..

kasto impatience ho yo..kasto restlessness..

Thanksgiving - 2010

2010-11-25T14:57:00.001-08:00

4 years ago, a friend of mine asked me , "Where do you want to be 10 years from now?" My answer was, "in a cold cold place". Well, I had meant it literally. I was in Allahabad (India) then. It must have been very very hot that day, usual for Allahabad during summers. And hence, at that time I wanted nothing, but to be in a cold place, be it anywhere!

And today I am in a cold place, again, literally. And this cold place saw its first snowfall of the year, on Thanksgiving. It really is a perfect combination, for me, at least. It was sort of a reminder saying "Here...this is what you had wished for. And today, don't forget to be thankful for having what you had wished for."

It surprises me sometimes how we forget to be thankful for all the things that we have, the same things that we had once wished for. We get used to the good things. We get used to bad things as well. But we never really forget to complain. When we get used to good things, we generally do forget to look at those once in a while and say, "Thanks".

Thanksgiving is one day that celebrates all relationships. It celebrates the togetherness that you have experienced through your thick and thin. Today is a reminder for you to thank your near and dear ones, if you have forgotten, for their presence in your life.

I would like to thank for having what I had randomly wished for, and for reminding me to go over all the things which I might have forgotten to give credit.

It does really make your day. Do try it!

Happy Thanksgiving to All..

2010-06-29T13:40:00.000-07:00

The more you dislike failure, the more you tend to fail because that's when you stop trying to succeed

...

2010-04-05T13:51:00.000-07:00

Soul O' Soul
Wanders all along
Finds rest a burden
Sings today, the old song
Soul O' Soul Wanders all along

Lives in yesterday
And dreams of tomorrow
Feels the healed pain
Won't let go of sorrow
Soul O' Soul Wanders all along

So ignorant it is
Misses the sunshine today
the sound of music,
and the joy it could bring
Stay a while, soul O' soul
Live a little while, before wandering along

Today..

2010-03-12T10:09:00.000-08:00

7:30 am: "It's already 7:30!! Ohh..office again...another boring day..It's so difficult to wake up..Life's so difficult..Lemme sleep for another 5 minutes".

8:30 am: At office..

8:30-5-30: Pretending to work..

5:30: "Yay...It's Friday".

Walk from office to home: 20 minutes :Mumbling songs, thinking how good this day is, making plans for the evening, I was coming back from the office.

Just when I crossed the railway crossing, I saw an old man in a bike for disabled people. He had a dog, Jake. The first thing that came to my mind was I need to cross the road to go ahead, as there is a dog and the footpath is too narrow for me to go ahead without fearing the dog (Stupid!! I know). I thought the old man had just stopped for some reason. Didn't really bother to think more than that.

I crossed the road. And moved ahead. Just out of curiosity, I looked back. I saw the old man looking at me, with an expression I can't define in words. It was a mixture of helplessness, disappointment, hope and a great relief after he looked at me (there was no one around , just a few cars passing by). With a big sigh, he said...'OHHHH.. Do you have a mobile phone? Both the tyres are punctured. I can't move.' I replied that I had a mobile phone and crossed the road again to help him. He said 'I can't imagine this. It's horrible. Would you mind if I made a call? My wife must be on her way.' "No problem" I said. '01453... , Margaret.. Her name is Margaret'. Just as he said that, we could see an old lady at a distance who was getting a wheelchair. 'There she is, she's here'. This was a greater sigh of relief than before.

She said as she approached 'Ohh my Lord.. It's horrible. I don't believe this. How did this happen? How will we get this bike home?' The old man replied 'I don't know. I can't move. What do I do? I can't move...'(Again, expression which I can never describe in words).

He got on the wheelchair by himself. We tried to see if we could push the bike back home (around 100 meteres). But it was really heavy and Margaret said she would go back and ask one of her neighbors for the pump and pump it up so that they could move it back to the house, at least.

We started moving. Margaret was pushing the wheelchair, still deeply disappointed on what was happpening, David (the old man) was going through the same feelings and still holding on to Jake. I was following them till we parted ways. That was the end of today.

Here's..

2009-12-01T15:02:00.000-08:00

To the lost loves, and the gains I had from them..

To the dark nights, and the dawns they brought..

To the friends turned foes, to the fights we fought..

To the longest of roads, creating the shortest journeys of all ..

To the heat and the cold, and the same warmth they sought..

To the worst of me, in you the best which brought..

To everything that pinches hearts.. and makes us feel alive..

Here's to you and me.. Here's to love and laughter...

It'll be true as long as us, and not a single minute after..

2009-12-01T06:46:00.000-08:00

Facebook says

"Today , God wants you to know..
...that it is time to finally forgive yourself. You've carried the guilt, the shame for long enough. You've kept your wounds open for long enough. The time has come to let go, to heal. Keep the lessons and let the pain heal. Yes, you know what we are talking about."

GHOSTS.. Or is it You?

2009-11-30T14:02:00.000-08:00

I've recently shifted to a new apartment. Still discovering the place, and getting familiarized with it. One peaceful night, when I am sleeping, I hear something, very insignificant, which could've been nothing during the day.

"What's that?" I think. "Perhaps someone's listening to some music, and anything sounds loud at 10:00 p.m. Ohh, But it sounds like a baby's cry. Some mom's trying hard to make her child fall asleep." I close my eyes, trying hard to fall asleep. But I hear something again. I don't do it intentionally, but suddenly my mind is full of weird "might bes" and "may bes". These lead my thoughts to all supernatural stories I've heard of. Movies I've seen in which the new house is haunted, and is known to everybody in the town, but the person living in that house. "Am I that person, and is it one of those houses? Is somebody watching me? My heart's pounding heavily (I'm exaggerating here a bit, but hopefully, you get the idea)."

What scares me.. really? So what if there's another soul wandering around? If two persons can coexist, why not one person, and another half person (Soul)? He (don't want to think of it as a she, she is scarier, somehow) is not hurting me. He's not eating my food. He's harmless. He doesn't react to the loud music I play. He's understanding and coexisting. He's like a silent neighbour. Just watching. Not even jealous of me coz of the new car. He's supercool. So, why does is it so spooky if he makes a little noise, harmless harmless noise, before he goes off to sleep. May be he's just snoring. Give him a break!!

"All this is nonsense. There's no ghost, it's only ME." And I try to sleep again. I am successful in covering these thoughts with rationale viewpoint of how ghosts don't exist, and it's only in movies.

But even then, somewhere, I know, he's watching me. "Ohh, silly me. Jai Hanuman Gyan Gun Sagar... zzzz...zzzzz.... "

Wait.. Hold on..

2009-10-04T15:36:00.000-07:00

She doesn't know where she lost the things that she had decided to hold on to as a... (whoever she was 6-7 years back).
Where is that letter from her friend contemplating life at an age of 15. It's a perspective she would like to remind herself of again.
Where is the 2 paged essay that she had written during an English assignment about her Chemistry teacher , who'd inspired her a lot, with every word of hers. "To Maa'm, with Love".
Where are the journals full of every little incident, comments , compliments, humiliation and feeling of love/hatred or indifference for all that she had known. Full of life.
Where is the 1st sketch that she made of a poster that she had in her room. She was thrilled it actually looked like the original poster, or so she thought. She's lost the thrill.
She is trying to find the ability to categorize things as wrong or right, not necessarily related to someone else, but herself. When and where did she lose the ability to judge.
Why do all colors look gray. Why isn't black black and white white anymore. Why has diplomacy taken over her honesty and clarity.
The excitement in the wait of a yearly festival, to meet all those you loved, to get a new dress, to play in the swings with her cousins, to celebrate life every now and then.
Why doesn't the yearly festival bring the same kind of excitement. Is it her or everyone else has moved on, and she's left there alone.
Why has she given up on being unselfish, loving, giving, helpful, and even when she is all these things, why is there a guilt of these being not true.
How is it that she had a clear view earlier and now everything is hazy.
She's trying to hold on now. As all of us need to hold on to something or the other, which brings us happiness. We never feel the need of what we already have and we let go of it. We always want something else. Letting go of everything we have, looking for something else, leaves us with nothing. So, stop for a second, wait..right there..and Hold on.

Recent Outbursts - Wounding the wounds even more..

2009-06-01T14:59:00.001-07:00

Before you start reading, I would like to mention that I am not trying to put anybody’s morale down or send negative vibes out there against all those who feel change is possible. I am just one of you who wants it as badly.

I started my morning with a cup of steaming hot coffee, completely refreshing my mind, and to add to that, I opened Nepal News to find out what’s going on there. I must say, Nepal News is more striking that any coffee in this world, especially to whoever concerned. I was aware about the protests being held by the Newar ethnic group in Kathmandu demanding to make it an autonomous region. Being so far from home, these strikes “bandhs” hardly make a difference to any of us. It’s only a matter of glancing through the NEWS and then forgetting all about it. All this on a normal day, I would say. But today was different. My parents were to go to the US Visa Consulate to attend the scheduled visa interview. I wasn’t worried about it because in Kathmandu, people manage to get things done even during the “bandhs”. Not left with any other choice, they have inculcated within themselves ways of surviving these bandhs , otherwise their mobility would be highly restrained.

But contrary to my expectations, I receive a call from my parents saying that the interview, which had been scheduled for 8:00 a.m, for which they had been sipping tea since 4:30 am in the morning, left home at 5:00 a.m, making their journey and hiding through small “gallis” on the way to the Consulate, intimidated that some protestors might get hold of them and not let them reach the Consulate on time, and for which they queued since 6:00 am till 7 just to find out that the Counseller wasn’t able to make it, had been cancelled. No one is surprised at this. It’s not safe and we wouldn’t expect them to risk their lives ( or valuable time) or make effort to show up. But there are a few things we would expect. And I don’t think I need to state it to you. Well, everyone who had been waiting must have returned home just the way they had made it there.

So much for what happened to my parents and all those people who suffered the pain of going, waiting and coming back disappointed. Not only because of the postponing of the interview, but because the ability to hope for better had taken a long stride backwards in people’s minds.

Let’s get back to what the Newar community wants. We have not had enough of the Madhesi Janaadhikar movement for the rights for Madhesis in Nepal yet and here comes rights for Newars in and around Kathmandu. The recent outburst is demanding for the following changes: (Sources—MEDIA)

Make Kathmandu an autonomous state comprising 12 districts including Kathmandu Valley and annulment of Kathmandu Valley Urban Development Bill.
Halt of construction of an outer ring road here as it would reduce fertile land,
Not include the valley under Central government territory.
Stopping uncontrolled migration of people to the region in order to protect environment, natural resources and maintain peace and security in the valley.

These are a couple from the list. I haven’t found the comprehensive list yet.

People trying to move on with
routines inspite of the hindrances

Like any other concerned Nepali, I don’t know where these protests are going to lead us. But I know one thing for sure. It’s not leading us anywhere better than we are right now.

For once, it would be good if all the politicans and magical protagonists of the Nation, who dream of bringing a change and bet they can do it, could listen to their hollow words and their bogus lectures on the peace- making processes. These ethnic fights, the division of nation into states according to etnicity is not leading our Nation anywhere. I guess it’s easier to follow the bad and easy examples from around the world, and that’s what Nepal is heading to presently when it actually should be setting strong grounds for the future, New ( at least Old ) Nepal.

Silver Lining

2008-10-16T21:33:00.000-07:00

To bring you up, when you are down

to make you smile, when things make you frown

to say "i can" when you are torn

to say " i will" against the mourn

you need hope, to build your hive

you need hope, to stay alive

I know it's dark, and all so cold

you're in the midst, unable to hold

you doubt your step, each step you take

the world's a lie, the promises fake

too deep is the water to take a dive

then, you need hope to stay alive

Locked up in the cobweb of hatred

dying for a breath, pure and sacred

hit so hard by the glory of life

left with you is no strenth to survive

to get it back,you've got to thrive

you need hope to stay alive...

2008-10-13T13:35:00.000-07:00

Jandinau timi maya k ho unle bhane

timi hoina maya ma ta ma po pare

ek pal chuttina nasakne abhash ho yo

juni bhar saath paaune vishwas ho yo

nayan ma unke ramne eeksha pal pal ko

ek nazar paaye jeewan safal bho

nischal, nispap ra nirakar cha yo
unko ek muskaan ma nissar cha yo

jandinau timi maya k ho unle bhane
timi hoina maya ma ta ma po pare

jandina ma maya k ho maile bhane
bujhdina ma maya, maile swikar gare

na ek pal khushi ko abash cha yahan
na juni bhar saath paaune vishwas cha yahan

na timi chau, na timro aas nai cha
nayan bhar kewal timro pyas nai cha

mann aruko, timro tan aruko
timro aatma to kan kan aruko

taipani din raat timilai sochein
timilai khojein, timilai poojein

jandina ma maya k ho maile bhane
bujhdina ma maya maile swikar garein

Walking the walk...Talking the talk

2008-10-08T14:06:00.000-07:00

While walking the walk and talking the talk
i opened my mind and let the thoughts crawl
we saw the dawn into a perfect morn'
the gleaming rays giving way to burning sun..

We talked about, his life and mine
of poems and signs, and lovely wine
of etiquttes so fine in the art of dine
of deepest fears and the longest years
of friends and foes through the highs and lows
the memories so sweet of home and more
took over us and made us sore

Such insane was the talk
over the bridge...and along the road...
Made us think why after all
it felt like spring during the fall

The war began of rationale minds
why after all we went along
Its then we could see the fall
With no more road for the walk....And silence taking over the talk..